


They Deserve Better

by junkyreen



Series: Polyamsanders [1]
Category: Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Emotional Abuse, M/M, Multi, self doubt, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 02:31:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13401570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junkyreen/pseuds/junkyreen
Summary: Being in high school with his three boyfriends was difficult. But when he starts doubting his place in the relationship, Anxiety isn't sure what else to do.





	They Deserve Better

**Author's Note:**

> Highschool au were they’re all in a relationship. LuvKitties1414 requested I write something for poly sanders in a high school AU.  
> Anxiety = Alexander  
> Beware of angst. I believe part of this has emotional abuse, dissociation, and self hate (maybe?)in it. Please note that I got an editor! Thank you to them for taking their time to help me out!! (They actually requested this so)
> 
> this is over 2,000 words btw.

Alexander made his way to his next class, Geometry, in silence. His boyfriends all had classes that were in the other direction - Patton, and Logan - or needed to take a different route to their class - in Roman’s case. He didn’t like going to this period because of the lack of his boyfriends. When they were with him, it made him feel safe and loved.  When they weren’t with Alexander, he thought about why they would even be dating him in the first place - he would doubt himself. Though technically, even when he was with them he would doubt himself, but when they weren’t with him the thoughts were stronger.

So, here he was, walking to his geometry class all alone and in silence, which obviously gave people the chance to pick on him. Usually, as long as Prince was there, people wouldn’t dare talk badly about Alexander - or any of his boyfriends, for that matter. But because they were in a polyamorous relationship, they got tons of backlash for it.

It didn’t really bother the others, much to Alexander’s surprise. They just ignored it and went on with what they were doing. However, Alexander couldn’t do that. He constantly thought about every little thing that was ever said to him, over-analyzing it, even.

As he was pushed aside and into the lockers, he sighed. He’s gone through this so often, you would think he’d become numb to it. Instead, he’s even more sensitive. There were people that picked on him because he was in a polyamorous relationship and then there were the people that picked on him simply because he was himself.

It wasn’t every day he heard whispering as he walked to his Geometry class, but today seemed to be a day that he was destined to hear them talk.

“Why would they want to date him if all people?” A girl questioned, facing her friend but glancing at Alexander as he walked past.

“I don’t know, but their relationship is wrong in every meaning of the word,” her friend replied with a look of disgust on her face.

Alexander just continued walking, trying his best to ignore them. They didn’t know what it was like to be in a polyamorous relationship. It was fine to be in one, and it wasn’t wrong to like more than one person at once.

One comment, though, caught his eye.

“He makes their relationship toxic.”

He paused, causing people to push him out of their way.

Did he really make the relationship toxic? Would they be better off without him? They would, wouldn’t they?

Anxiety shook his head and force himself to continue to his class. He could think about it later.

—–

‘Later’ turned out to be the entire time he was in Geometry. Geometry slowly turned into the rest of the day. He wasn’t good for them, he knew it now.

As he attempted to do his homework with Logic, Prince, and Morality, he didn’t speak. He just fidgeted with his pencil and looked at the paper in front of him. He had to end it, right?

He had to make sure they got what they deserved - which was better than him.

So, as the others talked and laughed, he just sat there. Should he do it now, or should he wait?

“Alexander! What’s the matter, love? Are you okay?” Roman asked, leaning into Alexander and flashing the younger male his signature smile.

“I’m fine, Ro. Just go back to eating, you dork,” Alexander replied, lightening his tone so no questions would be asked.

Call him selfish, but Alexander didn’t want to break up with them yet. He wanted to get what love he could from them before he had to leave.

—–

When Valentine’s day came around, he was still talking to them. They were still dating. He still loved them.

He tried to do something for them - he actually taught himself all of their favorite songs on guitar. He was going to perform for them.

But, when he went to Roman’s house and didn’t find them there, he was genuinely upset. Roman’s parents were the most accepting, so that’s where they often stayed to hang out if they weren’t at Anxiety’s house.

When he couldn’t find them at Patton’s house either, he was beginning to get nervous. His hands were sweating and he kept fidgeting with the guitar strap over his shoulder. He thought that they would be at Roman’s house, so he didn’t expect to walk very far with his guitar on his back. Now he was becoming too anxious to even think about playing for them.

When they weren’t at Logan’s house either, he gave up and went home. He didn’t see them at all that day. The only texts he got were from his parents.

—-

It took him two months. Two months of detaching himself. Two months of being bullied and feeling hopeless. Two months of wishing he could avoid it.

Alexander told himself that Logan, Patton, and Roman knew what was going to happen. He had to do this now, he had already begun to pull away. He couldn’t stop now, it was too late to go back - even if he wanted to.

Alexander had to watch as, slowly, they stopped walking him to class. Instead of walking alone to just Geometry, he was walking alone to every class. He didn’t have the guts to say how much that hurt him, not even to himself.

He couldn’t believe that they had given up on him already. Even Patton had, and he wasn’t the type of person to do that.

At lunch, instead of eating, he sat in the bathroom. He wishes he could say that he cried, but he didn’t. He just sat there emotionless until the bell rang and he had to get to class.

It was only a few days after Valentine’s day when he asked if they could come to his house after school.

Anx: Hey can you guys come to my house after school? I need to talk.

He swallowed audibly as he sent the text from his seat in the bathroom. He clicked his phone off and flipped it in his hands anxiously.

Was he really doing this?

They didn’t care anymore. They had each other, they didn’t like him anymore. They didn’t need him in the relationship anymore.

What was he going to tell them?

He couldn’t be with them anymore. They didn’t want to be with him anyway.

God, why did he go through with this?

He heard the bell ring, but couldn’t move. It sounded so distant anyway. He wasn’t quite aware of what was happening, really. He felt numb, yet he was aware of his short, shallow breaths and the tears going down his face.

Why was he crying?

He didn’t remember. Why couldn’t he remember?

Suddenly the bathroom stall became too small. He stood up and fidgeted with the lock, trying to open it but his shaky hands wouldn’t open it. He jiggled at it again but it still wouldn’t budge.

So he tried to calm down his breathing.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

He focused on his breathing.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Someone opened the door to the bathroom.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Someone was talking to him. Who’s voice was that? What were they saying?

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

He gave up. It wasn’t working. He couldn’t breathe.

“Can you open the door for me, love?”

“R-Roman?” Alexander choked out, trying to open the door once again.

“Yes, dear. If you can’t open the door, that’s okay. I’ll just talk to you from out here.”

He wasn’t shaking as much now and managed to slide the lock after a few tries. He pulled the door towards him and got out of the stall.

“Okay, we’re going to breathe now. Breathe with me, okay?” Roman said, touching Anxiety’s shoulder and bringing him down so they were both sitting across from each other on the floor.

Anxiety nodded and tried to match up with Roman’s breathing. When he breathed out, it came out shudderingly.   **(E/N: Morality’s just like: I CAN USE BIG WORDS TOO!)**

Alexander glanced towards the door and Roman followed his gaze.

“Don’t worry, Alex. I locked it. It’s okay, no one’s coming in here,” Roman said, keeping his distance from Alexander. He’s dealt with these before, so he knew that touching Alexander didn’t help. “You’re going to be okay, I promise. We’re just at school, I’m the bathroom, no one will come in. You’re okay. Breathe with me again?”

Alexander nodded, though he felt hot - too hot. He wanted his heavy sweatshirt - why did he wear that today? - off, but made no move to do anything out of fear.

He wasn’t sure what he was afraid of- all he could think of was breathing and the need to move, to play with something. He needed a distraction.

He started to fidget with his sleeves as he tried to keep the same breathing pattern as Roman. Roman made a small noise, making Alexander look up.

“Ah, I’m sorry. I have one of your fidget toys, if you want,” Roman asked, pulling his bag off his shoulder and opening the smallest part to reveal a sponge-like block. Anxiety made a sort of grabby-hand motion at Roman’s bag. Roman gave a soft chuckle and handed the toy to him. He watched as Alexander turned and squished it in his hands. Anxiety could faintly hear his breathing, which was still slow but not as loud.

“Do you want to go back to breathing exercises, or can you handle it on your own?” Roman said, shifting his body.

Slowly, Alexander shook his head.

“Do you want me to talk?”

Alexander nodded.

“Well, Patton saw a dog. It was while I was waiting for you guys at the front of the school. I saw him walking out, but apparently, there was a dog with its owner. The owner let him pet the dog and I had to literally pull him away. Even bribing him with butterfly kisses didn’t even work - and you know that usually works. Oh - I had this math test today. I think I actually got a good grade on this one! Studying with Logan probably helped me, if I’m honest. I’m so lucky to be dating a smart guy. And Patton and you, of course! I love you all so much that it’s hard to believe, even for myself.”

Alexander wasn’t really listening to what Roman was saying, instead, he was just listening to his voice. His - along with Logan and Patton’s - voice always managed to make him feel better if he listened long enough.

That, plus his toy, helped him calm down. Though it wasn’t perfect, he could breathe a lot better and he couldn’t hear his heart in his ears anymore. Alexander looked at his hands as they twisted and turned with the sponge.

“Are you feeling better, darling?” Roman questioned, stopping in whatever he was talking about.

Alexander nodded and didn’t look up. Then he felt Roman hug him.

“I love you and I’m so, so, so proud of you for getting out of that. You did a wonderful job.”

Alexander didn’t respond and instead just stopped moving, much to Roman’s obvious discomfort.

“What’s the matter? What made you so upset?” Roman asked as he pulled away from Alexander

"Later,” he said after a moment of silence.

—–

When later came, he didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to do it. He wanted to stay with them. But he couldn’t.

He felt them staring at him as they walked together to his house. He felt their eyes on him as they waited for him to tell them what he wanted to talk about.

“I- um- Can I- erm…” Alexander trailed off.

“Alexander, I have homework to do, so if you could kindly hurry up?” Logan said, causing Alexander to flinch.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “You can just- You can go.”

He looked at his feet and fidgeted with his thumbs.

“Alex, you can talk to us. It’s just Logan being Logan, he didn’t mean any harm,” Patton stated, obviously seeing how distraught Alexander was.

“I can’t- I…”

“If it helps, you can just say it fast. Like ripping off a band-aid!” Roman suggested, rubbing Alexander’s back.By this point, they were at Alexander’s house - in his bedroom.

Alexander pushed him away.

“I know I’ve been distant lately and it’s because I think we should break up! I shouldn’t be with you guys,” Alexander said quickly, panting afterward as he said it in one breath. It was quiet for a while, making Alexander close his eyes tightly and ball his hands into fists. He walked over to his bed and sat down.

“You- You’re breaking up with us?” Logic asked, shock and hurt present in his tone.

“Why are you- Alexander?” Roman’s voice cracked.

“I just- I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t be in this relationship when you all deserve better,” Anxiety confessed, bringing his legs up to his chest and burying his head between his knees. His eyes began to burn.

“How did you get that idea in your head?” Patton asked sitting next to Alexander on his bed. Alexander whipped his head up as Patton tried to touch him, backing away and nearly falling off his bed.

“They- Everyone said so! They said that our relationship is gross and even the people who didn’t say that thought I shouldn’t be in it! They’re right, Patton! You guys deserve so much better than the mess I am!” Alexander said through teary eyes.

“Alexander, is this what brought on your panic attack earlier today?” Roman asked quietly.

Alexander didn’t respond - he just sat there. After a minute, Logic stepped forward and kneeled down on the ground next to Alexander’s bed.

“Alexander, I know at times it may be hard for you to ignore what people at school say, but they are, more often than not, wrong about everything. Our relationship is not wrong. Love, as I understand it, is something you cannot control. We all love each other, and we all love you. You’re vital to our relationship, no matter what the rumors are. I love you very much, and I would be… unhappy if you decided to pull out from our relationship. We were only giving you your space for the past few weeks, we did not intend to hurt you. I’m sorry if we did. It is still your choice, but I wanted you to be informed before you made your decision.”

With this being said, Logic stood up and walked out of the room. He paused at the doorframe. “I suggest that Patton and Roman leave with me so you can think. We’ll see you tomorrow if you wish.”

So Alexander was left alone with only his thoughts and what Logan said.

—–

Running.

Burning lungs - or, more accurately, the complete regret of cutting gym.  **(E/N: BOY WAS I A FOOL IN SCHOOL FOR CUTTING GYM!)**

Then the warm body of another person.

Alexander almost knocked Logan over when he jumped onto him, tears running down his cheeks.

“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,” Alexander repeated, kissing Logan on the cheeks and then on the mouth, smiling.

“Logan, can you help me with- Alexander?” Roman cut himself off, dropping his bag onto the ground.  

Alexander released himself from Logan and turned around, throwing himself into Roman’s arms. “I love you, too, so much.” Alexander sobbed into Roman’s shoulder. He felt Roman kiss his head.

“Am I missing hugs!?” Alexander heard Patton screech and run over to them. Alexander went to hug Patton as well.

“I love you, Patton!“ Alexander cried, taking off the other man’s glasses and putting his forehead on Patton’s. Patton wrapped his arms around Alexander’s waist. Alexander fluttered his eyelashes, successfully giving in to the butterfly kisses that Patton loved oh, so much. Patton giggled when Alexander pulled away and missed his cheek. He was then lifted off the ground and twirled around. When his feet were on the ground again, he felt Logan and Roman move in to hug the two already hugging.

"I love you all so, so, so much.”

_They all deserved him, and he deserved them._


End file.
